Around 5 million children in America are adopted. For whatever reasons, their birth parents have relinquished authority and responsibility for raising these children to others. Over 115,000 children are adopted each year, and another 391,000 are in foster care. [1]
At some point in their development, adopted children often find out that they’re adopted. To many, it’s a shock. And once they come to grips with the idea that they aren’t the biological children of the couple (or single person) that they thought were their natural parents, two questions naturally seem to arise: Who are my real parents, and why did they give me up? (or, perhaps more accurately, “Why did they give up on me?”)
Often these questions lead children on a search for their biological parents. Sometimes this breeds heartache in their adoptive parents, and not infrequently disappointment in the children. It fairly begs the question, “What is so significant, so meaningful about the biological connection between parent and child that makes it so important to children?”
In case you hadn’t already figured it out, I have an opinion about this.
The first thing to do is to define the words “father” and “mother.” The dictionary defines these terms this way: [2, 3]
Father: a man who has begotten a child; a male animal who has sired an offspring
Mother: a woman who has borne offspring; a female parent
There it is, in all its bald-faced reality: Being a father or a mother is first and foremost a biological relationship.
But at this point it’s important to differentiate between pre-partum and post-partum (i.e., before birth and afterward). Before birth, the relationship between a mother and father and their child is purely biological. But at the point of birth, the biological factor’s importance drops to near zero, and the social relationship becomes the most important factor. What is the “social factor?”
The primary components are love and affection. But easily as important are parents’ responsibilities for children's health and safety, their emotional well-being, instilling social skills, and preparing them intellectually. [4]
How does a father or mother do this? Through the four “C’s”: [5]
Care (showing acceptance and affection)
Consistency (maintaining a stable environment)
Choices (allowing the child to develop autonomy), and
Consequences (applying repercussions of choices, whether positive or negative).
Notice that all the four “C’s” lean heavily toward behaviors of the parents. It’s hard to tie behavior to the pre-partum phase, because none of the four “C’s” applies during that time. It’s not until after birth that they come into play. Moreover, the biological phase is over, for the father, in a matter of minutes. For the mother, it lasts about nine months, but it, too, is over at the time of birth. But post-partum, the social phase lasts for years. Sometimes decades.
So, what conclusion can we draw from all this so far? Just that the responsibilities of mothers and fathers (let’s call them “parents” at this point) only just begin at the time of birth. And they continue until the child is no longer considered a minor in the eyes of the law. (For truly loving parents, these responsibilities extend well beyond that point, usually well into adulthood.) It might well be said that the job of a parent is never done, and it requires a lot of sacrifice and hard work. It’s a role that requires patience, understanding, and a willingness to learn and grow alongside one’s children. (But the rewards for all this effort and sacrifice can be immeasurable!)
With all this as preface, let’s go back to the adopted child’s question: Who are my real parents, and why did they give me up? Okay, so that’s two questions. Let’s take the first question first. The biological parents are effectively sperm donor and receiver. And the receiver is a warm, dark receptacle that houses the embryo until it grows to a point that it can survive outside the womb. That’s it. No more, no less.
The real parents are the ones who accept (sometimes reluctantly, more often willingly, even eagerly) the responsibility for the four “C’s” with the newborn child . . . possibly for two decades or more. They are the ones who are there for the child when it’s sick or skins a knee. They’re the ones who ensure that the child experiences no want of sustenance, safety, and affection, as well as freedom from fear. The biological parents are reduced to being merely two people, a man and a woman, who contributed an egg and a sperm to kick off the process. If they’re not around to accept the responsibilities of parenthood that may last two decades or more, then they haven’t earned the title of “real parents.”
I suggest that adoptive parents, in their best judgment, choose a time as early as feasible in their adopted child’s growth to explain the difference between sperm-and-egg donors and real parents to their children―with an emphasis on the high degree of love and commitment it takes to be a real parent. By pre-empting the child’s question, a lot of pain and heartache might be avoided.
Now, as to the second question an adopted child might ask―why they gave the child up― that’s a tougher question for the real parents to answer. They may not (probably don’t) know the reason why. At best, they might only be able to speculate, and it’s probably best not to do that. Perhaps the best response is, “I don’t know. Perhaps we’ll never know for sure.”
So there it is … who is an adopted child’s real father or mother? It’s the ones who embraced a commitment approaching a third of a lifetime to love and care for a child they didn’t themselves create just as if the child grew from their own sperm and egg. ♦
END NOTES
1. https://adoptionnetwork.com/adoption-myths-facts/domestic-us-statistics/
2. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/father
3. https://www.dictionary.com/browse/mother
4. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/parenting
5. https://www.nourishcompass.com/understanding-parenthood-what-it-really-means-to-be-a-parent/